the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
