i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Pooping to opera.
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