I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
