There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
