It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Randomize
