I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
