She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
