She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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