im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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