who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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