Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
