i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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