the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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