My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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