you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
