Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
