is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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