So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
