My first STD was from a foam party
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
