Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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