he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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