so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
