If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
