I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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