My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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