Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
