Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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