I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize