Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
