I will die if light touches me.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
