I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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