Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
