Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
