At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
