I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
