I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
nutella sex= disaster
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
