so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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