Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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