Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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