he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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