In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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