and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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