sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
