There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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