So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
