I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
