woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
