I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
