What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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