Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
