genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
